The holidays can be challenging for an Alzheimer’s caregiver

Christmas may be a time to adapt or rein in our expectations

by Ray Burow | December 9, 2024

Like most people, caregivers look forward to celebrating the holidays with family and friends.

Or do they?

Christmas is a wonderful time of year, but it carries many expectations, with the greatest being to fulfill the holiday spirit. We want to have and share that warm, fuzzy feeling that accompanies Hallmark Christmas cards and movies.

Weeks before Christmas, visions of rolling out Christmas cookies, entertaining carolers, and attending Christmas Eve church services dance in our heads. This year will be the one when we scratch each merry expectation off our list! Hope springs eternal.

Caregivers in Search of Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas, but it landed differently when I was a caregiver. My sister and I shared caregiving responsibilities for our mother, who was a gem and probably the impetus behind our deep love for the holiday. Still, experiencing the Christmas season as a caregiver was difficult. Mom had Alzheimer’s disease, and though life went on, we were also mourning her slow demise.

Most caregivers would agree that mourning accompanies the job, especially if the person in our care has dementia. Our mantra was that we were living a new normal, and that was never more evident than during Christmas. Embracing our new normal, we learned how to celebrate differently, which meant lowering expectations — well, if not lowering them, but rather altering them.

If you’re a caregiver struggling to prepare for Christmas, perhaps a few of our adjustments will work for you, too.

Embrace the new normal

It took a while before I made the mental switch from normal to the new “caregiving normal,” which is a 24-hour proposition; it isn’t easy to concentrate on anything else.

Once I started embracing my new routine, planning for events and experiences other than caregiving became a bit easier. My mother was my primary responsibility, but I successfully made Christmas plans; they just involved altering how I thought about and prepared for celebrations. I had to stop mourning Christmases past to embrace Christmas present.

Tame traditions

This realization and acceptance — that caregiving alters plans and celebrations — was freeing. I learned to make choices, such as which traditions would remain and which would be placed on hold for sometime down the road. Similarly, I decided which of the myriad Christmas decorations to drag down from the attic.

Nothing overwhelms a caregiver more quickly than after-Christmas cleanup. I took a mental note before pulling out every bobble, fake tree, light, and ornament. Decorating before Christmas is much more fun than cleaning up afterward. After all, the setup involves admiring handcrafted items as Nat King Cole sings melodically in the background.

After Christmas, when I was throwing nutcrackers in boxes and sweeping up tinsel while performing caregiving duties, wasn’t as attractive.

Lower expectations

Caregivers may appear to be superheroes, but they’re still human. If entertaining is at the top of your list at Christmas, learn to delegate. You can’t do it all.

If you’re hosting the holiday meal, perhaps choose to make the main dish and have friends and family members bring other dishes. If you prefer to host the entire meal, hand over caregiving responsibilities. Ask a capable loved one or trusted friend to assist with your loved one while you cook. If possible, hire a professional to help with caregiving.

Plan ahead

When caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease, it’s impossible to plan for everything, even though caregivers are great planners, at least for what’s predictable.

Plan what you can to facilitate a successful Christmas celebration, but keep that celebration and planning as simple as possible. Rather than a five-course meal, plan fewer courses. Instead of baking multiple desserts, choose a favorite that freezes well and bake it beforehand.

Celebrate deliberately

Caregiving is often isolating. Sometimes the only ones home for the holidays are caregivers and the ones they’re caring for. Celebrating is still possible without making a vast meal or decorating a Christmas tree. Contemplating “the reason for the season” sounds corny, but it’s a profound concept.

Each Christmas before my mother’s passing, we celebrated the Christ child. And we still do. In my religious tradition, celebrating involves embracing a babe who arrived one starry Bethlehem night to fulfill an unspeakable purpose some 33 years later. We deliberately and purposely celebrated Jesus, the embodiment of our holiday spirit and the one who made my mother’s Alzheimer’s experience bearable.

Merry Christmas!

Note: Alzheimer’s News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Alzheimer’s News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Alzheimer’s disease.

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About the Author

Ray Burow As a former caregiver to an elderly parent who had Alzheimer’s disease, Florida-based Ray counts it a privilege to write columns discussing the day-to-day challenges associated with the onslaught of memory loss. Fighting a relentless foe, caregivers find themselves in the deep trenches, right alongside their loved ones. Her goal is to assist the caregiver on their journey by encouraging them to keep trudging through the mire of uncertainty. She writes, “I will be your harbinger of better days to come, so that you’ll know it’s possible to make it through the dark hours, and that even a difficult journey through Alzheimer’s disease can be punctuated with optimism. May you find joy on your journey.”